(updated thanks to comments)
The all new EAS laptop comes with built-in phone jack and keyboard keys for downloading everything that other laptops download, that is, spyware, viruses, and updates. Call the 1-800 number for tech support.
Actual tech support converation*
-"Ok, I think the problem is that you pushed the download "virus" button. You are going to have to restart your laptop. First, press ctrl-alt-del, then hold the laptop over your head, screen facing down, and shake it vigorously, this will clear the memory. Are you familiar with the turn-and-sketch interface?"
-"Ok, so go ahead and draw the start-up screen. This could take a while, depending on what kind of upgrades you may have purchased..."
*note: not actual tech support conversation